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THE
CAST:
RAGING
SPEEDHORN
FRANK - VOCALS
JOHN - VOCALS
DARREN - BASS
GAZ - GUITAR
TONY - GUITAR
GORDON - DRUMS
DOUG - TOUR MANAGER
RODDY - GUITAR TECH
PAUL - DRUM TECH
CHOP - DRIVER
MOLE - SOUND GUY
JOHNNY
TRUANT
OLLY TRUANT - VOCALS
STUART TRUANT - GUITAR
JAMES TRUANT - BASS
PAUL TRUANT - DRUMS
REUBEN - TOUR MANAGER / DRIVER
ONE
PITY
KRIST - VOCALS
LEWIS - DRUMS
KARL - GUITAR
MAX - BASS
TOM - DECKS
18/01/03
- LONDON (SUBVERT FAREWELL SHOW)
The day
starts with a kerrang photoshoot, obviously as the band are
all so beautiful we'll be on the cover next week.. Following
a harsh drive through London to Sadlers, we have a harsh drive
back across London with Roo to the Mean Fiddler.
"There's
always a fat promoter (a bit like a fat controller)" Stuart
Truant
The venue
is pretty rammed, and there's a wicked vibe. Stu sings 7 Days
in a studly wig, which manages to confuse Stuart and Paul, who
thought he was a random kid from the crowd. Olly's shoe has
already been pronounced officially dead, and it's got a two
week tour ahead of it, which should be interesting. James is
now a Bruce Dickinson Band approved bassist, and also owns a
signed copy of the new Anthrax album. This is also the first
venue we've ever played where the mics talk back to you.
Subvert
play their last ever gig, and Reuben creeps around the stage
like a creeper. This is followed by the most stupid, most brutal
cunting loadout ever.. Everything in london smells eternally
of sick & piss, and our equipment is dumped on the street
round the back of the venue - nice. We eventually manage to
get the gear through the crowds of fools on their way to G.A.Y
(where Belinda Carlisle is appearing, god damn it. We tried
so hard to meet her but to no avail) and get back to Roo's,
where we used cunning and spliffs to wedge hundreds of people
into a normal sized house. We should say now that everyone wants
Robin to share his girlfriend. She's fine with it, what's the
problem?! She has the sexiest goosebumps we've ever seen - we
want to kiss every one of them.
"Tonight
Matthew, I'm going to be Tears for Queers, on Scars On Their
Thighs - Sowing The Rectal Lining" James Truant
19/01/03
- NEWPORT
We're still
looking at Robin's girlfriend.
Our first
bit of amazing luck comes when we go to start the van and nothing
happens. This not only gives us a wonderful laugh, but also
allows Reuben time to have breakfast. After some van pushing
fun, Reuben's best mates the AA come and laugh at the state
of the engine. One trip to Halfords for some van parts later
and we're on our way. On our way back to the fucking house to
pick up stuff we've forgotten.. d'oh. Luckily things get better
from then on, with much wine drinking and Toys R Us singing.
"Are
we going to die Reuben?" Olly Truant
"Yeah but don't worry about it Olly, it'll be fine."
Reuben
At the venue,
we meet up with the Speedhorn and One Pity guys, everyone seems
really cool, look like it's going to be a fun tour. The next
three hours are spent with Olly and Reuben trying to pin 3 tshirts
onto the merch board. We're up against Mr Perfect Merch Folder,
who holds the world record for folding and pinning a long sleeve
shirt (13.4 seconds). His merch was like the actual Renaissance,
whereas ours looked like a bad GCSE project.
The show
is fucking cool, Olly rapes his knees on the front bars of the
stage, and the kids see this as a sign to love us. James wields
his axe like Steve Harris' bastard son, Paul is still trying
to hold the kit together following Olly's pirrouette into it,
and Stu is having trouble opening his eyes. Holding his guitar
is like taking an exam - tomorrow he will not smoke as much
weed before the show. Gaffer is re-applied to Olly's show after
the gig, cutting off the circulation to his foot.. Speedhorn
kill it, period. Our balls are 100% out by this time. A case
of beer, two bottles of wine, and a bottle of vodka have cunted
us. Olly managed to get some vodka onstage for Frank, possibly
paving the way for some form of loving touchy-feely relationship
later in the tour.
The party
at the venue is actually way too much of a blur to talk about,
what happened there we cannot write. James and Darren discussed
bass playing after a few tipples, and it was game over for a
window. Oh yes, we are on tour with Speedhorn. Everything you've
heard about how much they drink is true - we've finally found
a band who drink as much as us!
If you hold
lemons near Sian, she has an asthma attack. That's a fact. On
the way back to her house Reuben has 4 drunk cunts to content
with, who are LIKING IT VERY MUCH and WANTING TO LIKE THAT.
We water the plants at the side of the M4, and then arrive at
Sian's mansion. We decide the entire shared house belongs to
us, which creates lots of opportunities for meeting new (and
mostly angry) people (ladies). James is a true gentleman. Paul
is an absolute slimebag. While Stu eats all the house cheese,
Olly enters using a carpet as a cape and announces that he's
gay. James and Roo invent cheesy vodka jammy dodgers, and then
roo and paul devour some vodka chocolates they find in a random
fridge.
WEED WARS
HAS STARTED!!!!!
JAMES VS STU
"James
doesn't know how to smoke" Stuart Truant
We are wrecking
this house.
Paul has
discovered a great new way to meet people (ladies). He starts
knocking on random doors and trying his luck, meanwhile Olly
is standing outside in the rain with bare feet, unaware that
James is pissing on him from the front door. The door is slammed
so hard that it measures on the richter scale, and Paul is in
the house somewhere getting lectured by a blind man. We don't
know who he is, but he's fucking pissed off. We are the only
people in the house having a party, everyone else is sleeping
so we go back to Sian's room and have a massive fight. Reuben
has applied The Glove, and we move the fight to other rooms.
We decide to stop when we actually knock Stuart out.
"what's
the temparature of a dog?" Stuart Truant
We are missing
our mums. Dan, take off your fucking Homer Simpson slippers,
you damn idiot.
20/01/03
- PLYMOUTH
Ever seen
a dog without a face? We did. The morning comes, and we choose
which things we want to steal. Olly wants the lights, Paul wants
the laptop, James wants a LimboLegs toy, and Stu wants a biscuit.
Whether we'll get them we don't know, but we definitely know
we'll at least get the biscuit. In what will probably be the
last display of hygiene on this tour, we take showers - we didn't
enjoy it. Our merch is then stolen back from our hapless (but
kind) hostess, and we head off for Plymouth. We are fucking
dying on this journey, the hard shoulder gets a few visits (sometimes
even on purpose) and then we come to Burger King. The shining
light that is Burger King, and a girl in posession of the fitting
arse we've ever seen, tossing burgers as if they were juicy
brown circular cocks. We decide that hiding your thoughts is
technically as bad as lying, so feel obliged to tell her how
great her arse is, before buying porn from a very polite girl
who finds Paul's decision to get someone else to buy it for
him very silly.
"Just
because I'm vegetarian doesn't make me gay. Some fast food chains
tend to forget that" Reuben
We get to
the club and begin the drinking carnage, then chill out with
John in Speedhorn's bus, smoking and watching Basket Case 3.
We're also talking about doing a song with John and Frank on
this tour, it's going to be about alcohol and porn. We might
need to do some research on this subject over the next week,
just for the song's sake of course..
Some kid:
"This club used to be called Club 103"
James: "That's nearly the temparature of a dog"
kid walks away
Ollys shoes
are still rotten, he needs new ones. We are starting a nationwide
shoe appeal, it's not quite life or death but it's fucking close.
At least it's not his hair that's in trouble, that'd be a different
story. The tour could possibly be over. We're drinking. One
Pity play a blinder tonight, the sound really does them justice.
We on eht eother hand are far more concerned with the size of
our rider than with the gig - One beer per band member? That'll
be a trip to the offy then. Speedhorn also noticed our plight,
and donated generously towards tomorrows hangovers. Olly, Frank
and John have discovered a genius cocktail; half a pint of vodka,
a shot of lime and a shot of sprite on the rocks. This is the
drink of kings, not only does it go down so easily but so would
the girls if they realised how drunk it makes us.
Reuben is
in need of some spice, and orders a pizza "with so many
chillies on there that I regret asking for them". The pizza
girl does not disappoint, and after one slice he is actually
in tears and sweating. James is quick to take the piss, until
he has one bite and surrenders.. We also find a takeaway which
offers to throw a potato at the side of your head while you
order for only £1.99, odd cunts if you ask us. While John
and James exchange pictures of boobs on their mobiles, a girl
approaches James who is sipping on a bottle of orange juice
- "I thought you were all alcoholics?" James lets
her smell it and she almost passes out from vodka fumes. Our
reputation is intact for another day. On the subject of alcohol,
the promoter is a cunt, one beer each?!? fucking fuckface.
The gig
happened. It was cool, especially as Olly's best mate was doing
sound - cunt. The highlight of the set comes as Olly announces
toy prices over Bleeding Hearts - "Action Man Bunk bed,
£19.99.."
Tonight
was all about pole dancing. Tony's poledancing to Slipknot was
only narrowly upstaged by Mo sexing it up with some serious
moves. The club night gets more messy as Paul, Frank, Olly and
Gaz pull a table onto the dancefloor. A girl comes up and tells
us we're all fuckers, so Frank explains to her how wrong she
is using every swearword ever invented. Paul pours cider on
ugly womens' tits, then speedhorn sign them - it's probably
about time we mentioned again that we are drinking more than
ever before.. period. This might explain Chop going out earlier
today and getting a fuck off great tattoo of the devil surrounding
his cock. The man's a legend, if there's a cooler bus driver
on this earth we've not found him. However we have found a note
left on Speedhorn's amp telling us how arrogant we all are.
That's fucking rock.
Stu and
Darren are having slap fights backstage, which quickly becomes
them taking turns to punch each others knuckles - that'll be
fun trying to play the gig tomorrow. After James loads the gear
out single handedly, we head off for Rex's flat - Rex's flat
is stocked with beers ready for us, and we degrade further into
alcoholism. Things get gay when some cunt comes in and starts
watching videos at 4am, smacking Roo on the head with a remote
for snoring and throwing bits of scaffolding out of the window..
why?? James comes very close to knocking him out, but thankfully
he fucks off just in time.
21/01/03
- BRIDGEWATER
Reuben drags
himself out of bed at 7.45 to sort the parking meter, then we
arse around and head to sainsbury's for full english breakfasts
- Reuben enjoys his meal with a wedge of bread as big as Ollys
head! we also take the opportunity to get the whisky and vodkas
in early, and stu gets accused of stealing scotch. We always
thought he looks like such an innocent boy! We get to Bridgwater
and go to a joke shop to buy bald wigs, then go for a pint and
listened to pink floyd, tried on the wig. It seems as though
getting pissed is the only worthwhile thing to do, so we get
stuck into the rider. Stu chucks his guts up after eating chow
mein, and then it's time for the show. Speedhorn have several
scantily-clad ladies dancing on podiums while they play, we
decide podiums should be part of the stage spec every night
from now on. Frank finds a mobile on stage:
"has
someone lost a mobile?"
(no answer)
"ok I'm phoning your dad"..."you cheap cunt,
you're out of credit"
(smashes phone)
After the
show, people decorate the tables with "the promoter is
a cunt" and continue drinking alligators and scotch. It
turns out that the pub down the road has invited us back for
a party, his son is a cool speedhorn fan and we get shitfaced
on Marleys Ghost ultra-strong beer - our balls are fully out
by this stage. Reuben and James are having a conversation about
ladies, Roo sneezes four times and finishes a sentence "..and
then I came on her tits!" while wiping his nose.. "Do
you want a tissue?" offers the barman, not understanding
why James and Roo are pissing themselves at his reply. Doug's
raspberry and menthol snuff makes an appearance at some point
in the night too.
On the way
back to the bus, Paul is found with his arse out in the middle
of the road, trying to take a shit in the town centre. Frank
tries to help by standing on top of a car and pissing onto him,
an image which will stay with us all to the grave. Darren and
Stu are trying to wipe shit on each others' faces, then bus
call comes and James and Olly are kidnapped for the night. They
rock out to Viking Skull and watch Jackass the movie, accompanied
by more alligators and spliffs. Roo, Paul and Stu are trying
to find a house with a girl who can't remember where she lives,
and end up having to go to a dude called Adam's house instead.
We get there and realise we have no fucking clue where Paul
has disappeared to, so we get flashlights out and search nearby
ditches for the useless cunt. It turns out he's let himself
into the house and has passed out on their front room floor.
Thankfully no sick though.
22/01/03
- CAMBRIDGE
Adams mum
cooks us an amazing fryup for breakfast, these guys are legends,
and so is their dog Toby, whose temperature is 101.5 degrees
farenheight - the correct temperature of a dog if you were wondering
earlier. What a fucking night, Olly and James wake up on Speedhorns
bus with the biggest hangovers.. this bus is so fucking hot,
turn the heating off god damnit! More hilarity ensues when we
leave Tony at the services for an hour before realising he's
missing, d'oh.
Reuben and
Stu arrive in Cambridge, where we wonder if we died on the way
up as everyone who we ask for directions seems to look straight
through the van, we're either dead and driving a ghost van around
or everyone in Cambridge is an unhelpful cuntface. We finally
find the Junction, where Lewis is busting out some badass skate
moves on the dancefloor. Sadler and Saz have driven up from
London for this one, we tell Sadler that we burnt the merch
again, he's starting to wise up to this one now. Kevlar from
kfc(99) has also made the journey down, and has made us a CD
with the entire Alan Partridge radio show on (and some bonus
Meatloaf mp3s, the guys a tit). Dave Bianchi has also joined
the tour for a couple of days, and regails us with mental stories
mostly based around alcohol and women.
Gordon treats
us to some beautiful boyband harmonies backstage, resulting
in Olly swallowing the Difflam he's gargling. With such an angelic
voice Gordon really is in the wrong band! The actual gig is
fairly uneventful, Stu has some technical problems (they had
to happen sometime), so James and Paul have a drum n bass jam,
which is wikkid man. Some kids are throwing paper aeroplanes
on stage, maybe that's normal in Cambridge?! We also meet an
insane drunk man, who writes some odd (and possibly satanic)
sentences on our merch. We find amusement in Dazzes bass case
- "hands off pussy... that means you, five string wanker!",
and then shower birthday boy Carl with alcohol for the camera.
Next thing we know there is a fucking big fight outside the
venue, the less said about that the better, but after some heroic
behaviour from crew and (especially john) the police turn up
and sort shit out. They should have fun watching some of the
antics on the tour video we gave them as evidence!
23/01/03
- HULL
Olly and
Roo wake up, and realise that McDonalds big breakfasts are a
separated version of a McMuffin in a bigger box. Don't fall
for the hype kids!! We drive round the wrong Uni in Hull for
a while, it looks nice though. Not nearly as nice as the place
we are playing though, which is a fucking massive chrome palace.
The toilets are nicer than any of our houses, and we feel guilty
dirtying them with our piss. Uni gigs fucking kill. our riders
have been sorted out to the letter, plus the extras! Our posters
are next to the Cheeky Girls posters.. this actually rivals
us playing with Belinda Carlisle last saturday. Roo goes to
find Laura's house, who has told her flatmates they'd love to
house us fools for the night. He manages to smash a couple of
glasses and a mug on his way out, which is probably a good warning
of what to expect later.
Speedhorn
have found a record fair, so it's an Every Which Way But Loose
session on the decks with Frank. Olly goes for a shower, somehow
gets lost and ends up running round a school full of students
covering himself with one shitty little towel. The crew are
having problems with some of the more complex aspects of sound
engineering such as 'turning off the mute button' and 'making
things audible', resulting in One Pity still soundchecking when
they open the doors for the gig, there are kids standing at
the front while they check the drums.. nice one!? The crowd
get moving for JT's set, possibly because Olly and Jim are pulling
the most amazing Status Quo moves. Frank throws an egg at the
stage, and Olly catches it in his mouth, before being brought
an Alligator by Reuben (who he spits on in a cracking display
of blindness). Paul has decided to play Exploder four bars ahead
of the rest of the band, presumably for art's sake.
Tonight
we sold a rubber foot for £1. Selling random shite on
the merch stall is the way forward.
During Speedhorn's
set, Frank invites someone on stage to punch John, followed
by someone else to snog him. You've got to take the good with
the bad.. somehow we manage to blag pizzas, beer and various
luxuries from the promoter, and get through the entire Speedhorn
rider for the first night of the tour. This is where the carnage
begins.. We start taking it in turns to twat each other round
the head with aluminium trays, then coat the floor of the venue
in beer and make a skating rink. Doug is throwing chairs at
people as they skate past on the trays, and shit is getting
smashed everywhere you look. The promoters don't seem to give
a fuck, so we make the most of it and the fire extinguishers
are let off, covering everyone in white, stinking powder. One
Pity attack each other with massive trays of salad, and Gaz
manages to wreck a big pile of RSH posters by pissing all over
them. Roo downs the most hideous cocktail of the tour so far:
Vodka, Lime, Wine, Beer, Black Pepper, Talcum Powder, and 2
Johnny Truant badges).. it probably wasn't such a good idea
to swallow one of the badges though.
Reuben:
"do you think it's better to throw it up or go to hospital?"
We go for
the vomit option, and Roo has to make himself sick until it
reappears (pin still in it's hook, so he survives without ripping
his throat to pieces) Frank covers our host Tom with talcum
powder, she is not best pleased. Dougs snuff comes out to play
again, and we rock out to Viking Skull on the bus. Roo is now
called lassoo. No idea why, Frank and Olly don't know why and
it was their doing. After as much drunken madness as we can
handle, we go back to Laura's and listened to Frank Sinatra
before stealing all the girls' beds.
24/01/03
- LIVERPOOL
We wake
up and are made gourmet breakfasts by our ultra-polite hosts.
Despite our clumsiest and messiest attempts, these girls seem
unable to be annoyed about anything. maybe they give out free
morphine in hull? Gordon had been kidnapped by his girlfriend
last night, so gets the dubious honour of riding in our luxury
transit instead of that rubbish old twin-lounge fucking DVD
home cinema bus of theirs.. Reuben has lost the key to the cash
box, but luckily it turns out to be easier to open without a
key anyway. Furthering his claim on the title of Twat Of The
Day, he then falls asleep at the wheel, but hey - that's what
the bumps at the side of the motorway are for.
On arriving
at the venue we discover we're playing next door to 70s heroes
Love, who have better vans than us. We'd rather be at that gig
than doing anything energetic after last night's craziness,
we all have hangovers destroying our braincells and load-in
is not fun. James and Paul do an interiew with Jon from Atomtan
zine, who is a cool guy. The interview turns messy when the
conversation turns to what animals they'd like to fuck! Backstage
is taptastic, with a fucking labyrinth of corridors and code-locked
doors leading to the volcano-heat dressing rooms (the heat is
partly due to us using the fans for cooling the beer instead
of the room - priorities are everything in this game).
Stu eats
a pizza and a few minutes later puts it in the sink backstage.
Meanwhile Roo decides to get cunted, although no-one else feels
up to it and by the time he realises this he's too far into
the process to turn back. We make an effort to play our best,
although energy levels are at an all-time low - a fairly uneventful
gig. Afterwards, some guy downs half a bottle of vodka backstage
then headbangs until he passes out in the corner. "im dying"..
One Pity trash the dressing rooms and we decide it's time to
pass out in the van, as the guy we're meant to be staying with
has fucked off hours ago.
25/01/03
- LEEDS
We fall
out of the van in front of a Merc full of posh cunts, who are
shocked to say the least, and search the uni for cheap food.
We've seen signs advertising breakfast for £1, but we'll
be fucked if we can find it anywhere. Stu and Paul went off
on the Speedhorn bus last night, so it's a spacious drive across
to Leeds, along the highest motorway in England. We are amused
to discover that Liverpool services has a betting shop, and
the most expensive baguettes known to man - presumably the food
is only there for people who've had a massive win on the horses.
Arriving
in Leeds, it turns out their women are stunning. Most of the
afternoon is spent waiting for some idiots who have parked in
the bus' space, when the owners finally return the girl spends
ages trying to reverse out of a 20foot gap, and Chop ends up
turfing the (by then crying) fool out of her car and moving
it for her. Don't mess with the mullet. Meanwhile Paul and Stu
get lost looking for music shops, and discover that the biggest
music shop in Europe doesn't stock the guitar strings Stu needs
- nice one.
The sound
guys at the Cockpit are killer, and we get the best sound we've
had on this tour so far. In fact the gig was so good that it
would have been rude for Reuben not to sell more random crap
at the merch stall. We sell two sets of Bandoculars (two toilet
roll tubes taped together, to help you see the bands more easily),
and Roo also writes 'johnny truant' on his burger box, and gets
£2 for it as an Official Johnny Truant Lunchbox. Sometimes
people just don't realise how lucky they are. Our good friend
Tony from 3 Stages Of Pain has come down tonight to rock out,
and have a beverage or ten. He also buys a lock of "Olly
Truant's Actual Fucking hair" for a pound, the man knows
a bargain when he sees one! Go and buy the 3 Stages CD today,
it fucking destroys, simple.
Backstage,
things are starting to get interesting again, with lesbians
and bananas providing initial excitement, until Paul's mate
Emma is talked into 'spilling' a pint of cider over John. John
is no fool ("This must be Frank's doing") and reciprocates
by covering Frank in sprite, who will now smell of limes for
a few days. Lewis Onepity takes the gold though, amongst other
things he tonight manages to eat the following:
- 1 bottle
of Garlic and Herb salad dressing
- 1 tea bag (Tetley)
- 1 orange, liberally drenched in Mayonnaise
- 1 tub of margarine, blended with black pepper, Brandston Pickle,
humous and Scrumpy Jack.
Lewis is
more metal than any of us.
We finally
get kicked out of the dressing rooms, and find the club has
transformed into a dodgy club night, so we rock out the the
Hives, and Darren tries to fuck around with the DJs decks, which
puts the guy in a little bit of a non-jovial mood. Olly and
Paul get far too stoned and watch Nightmare On Elm Street on
the Speedhorn bus, freaking themselves out in the process. Meanwhile
Stu, James and Roo stay in the van outside the club, and are
occasionally woken up by people throwing bottles and pissing
on the van. Reuben tries to look both invisible and big &
hard in his sleeping bag across the front seats. Fool.
26/01/03
- EDINBURGH
Everyone
is so disorientated that we don't know if we are dead or alive..
it turns out we're in Edinbrugh, and we are happy as it has
a massive castle to look at. Paul foolishly asks a hardass Scottish
lady what it is, to which she simply replies "Edinburgh
Castle you fool". Olly gets into the Scottish spirit of
things and eats haggis, potato cakes and black pudding for breakfast
(he also wants to buy a kilt, luckily this never happens). The
air is so cold up here people freeze fresh meats by leaving
them in the garden, and apparently the weather is actually quite
mild for the time of year so fuck knows what it's usually like!
As we return
to the venue we find out that One Pity had their van broken
into last night, and have lost both their basses and a guitar,
amongst other things. Poor cunts - although if you will leave
your van unattended on the most robbed road in England then
you have to accept the risk in a way.. We are soon joined backstage
by some fucking nutter who discusses everything from drug use
through to world politics, roo has to pretend we're having a
private meeting about accounts (?!) to get him to fuck off out
in the end. We have honey and variuous meats on our rider today,
we must be special - although Speedhorn's dressing room is a
shed converted into a lepord skin covered porn lounge, in stark
contrast to our room which is the size of a shower (only without
the shower).
Olly diflams
his throat again, that stuff is starting to become his best
friend, alongside alligators of course. Thanks to the shared
dressing room, we have discovered that One Pity are almost as
concerned about their hair as us, which is a welcome find. We
meet Angus, who turns out to be quite possibly the coolest guy
ever. He is putting us up tonight, and looks after us like we're
in the Ritz - one day he will be one of our road crew, no-one
would want to fuck with us with him around!
The show
is awesome, we love playing in Scotland - the people are great
and we are definitely coming back as soon as we are able to,
it's worth braving the nightmare drives for.. The only down
side comes when the cunting security broke the pit up half way
into our set! bastards! Olly accidentally kicks a can of sprite
directly at a guy in the front row's face, sorry! Speedhorn
absolutely destroy tonight, and we meet some cool people from
the RSH message board. After the gig Tony Speedhorn finds some
kid that looks exactly like Steve-o from Jackass and makes him
take his clothes off and be party boy, which he seems more than
willing to do. The local crew seem to actually enjoy loading
gear, so we take advantage and try to do nothing.
OK, so we
need to get wrecked, Roo included, so we drive up to Gus', drop
the gear, have a crafty smoke and then head down to some metal
bar in town. This place looks like a fucking leisure centre,
but we make the most of it and begin to get some cunting drinks
down our necks.. well it would be rude not to considering its
near on £1 for most of the drinks behind the bar! Darren
and Stu atempt a game of pool, there was no room and it just
didnt work. "the shittest pool table in the world"
Stuart Truant
Darren pukes
everywhere while sitting near the bar, shrugs and continues
to drink, then some girls come and sit down unaware they are
sitting in his vomit. Nice Work. Darren tries his luck, but
is strangely unsucessful for some reason.. everyone is singing
along to Maiden and Gus gets the beers in for just about everyone
there - what a legend. Olly and Gaz chat about Slint and Mogwai,
they look like a fucking married couple. Roo buys 15 whiskeys,
when lined up across the bar they look like a small town, he's
going to regret it in the morning.. after a few hours more drinking
and stupidity, Roo and Olly get Gus to draw them a map back
to his house - well if you can call it a map, its literally
just a jiggly line on a piece of paper, so we have to get an
escort (enter the Scottish madman). On the way back we purchase
the dodgiest pizza in the land, our fucking madman guide also
buys one and promptly drops it cheese side down onto a filthy
road. In an act of supreme bravery he scoops it up and continues
to eat.. nice!
Back at
the house James, Stu, Bob and Gus smoke themselves to the ground..
underground. Bob and Angus play us their bands' CDs, both of
which are fucking ace and we hope to get them a show down in
Brighton soon. We cannot keep our eyes open any more, the end.
27/01/03
- DUNDEE
The condensation
in the van is fucking ridiculous and Roo and Olly are nearly
drowning. As you can imagine the smell is fruity to say the
least, so we head into Gus' place, where he is making everyone
bacon sandwiches. He is a fucking star, not one sandwich but
two! each!! its like a bacon factory! Coffee is produced so
that Stu can begin his waking up journey, and we leave for another
trecherous Scottish Death Drive of Doom. We're nearly blown
off a fucking bridge its so windy, and darkness descends faster
than is possible. We also see the Necromancer's castle, that
guy seems to be following us everywhere.. luckily no sign of
the Giblin yet though, so it could be worse.
We drive
through a pedestrian zone to get to the venue, which is totally
unnessesary but it pisses people off and after all, we are the
band. We prove when we get to the venue by olly getting out
and announcing "do you know who we are!!? we're the fucking
band!" to two large women standing outside the venue.
Roo kicks
the promoters ass about the rider, from where we're standing
it looks like he's saying "do you know who the fuck we
are!?", and we enjoy a selection of cheeses with Speedhorn
before their sound check. The sound man here is a fucking cunting
idiot, he seems to have spent his life doing amphetamines rather
than sound engineering courses, James is close to giving him
a slap. When you've got an hour till doors and you've not soundchecked
yet the last thing you want is some fucking buffoon trying to
tell you how to hold a microphone, this isn't twatting stars
in their eyes..
One Pity
have broken down, and turn up 20 minutes before doors on the
back of an AA truck. The show is running mad late tension is
running high, but most importantly at this stage we get the
fucking beers in. Roo makes himself a nice little merch den,
its made of leather dont you know. To add to tonight's fun,
the stage has a fucking great big hole across it and we can
barely fit on it, let alone Speedhorn.. One Pity actually start
their set before the doors have been opened, which is genius
as it allows Reuben to feed them pasta while they play. They
make the most of it and actually have one of their best shows
yet, inclusive of a a fight with Gordon in front of the now-arrived
crowd (all fun of course). One Pity announce us and we get a
mighty old cheer! Jesus! people know us in Dundee! We play a
balls-out DIY set in front of a wicked crowd who seem to really
dig whats going on, particularly the four dudes at the front
who seem to know all the words to our songs better then us!
We finsh the set pretty early as we are worried about stage
times, to which Gordon demands we carry on playing, so we do
- Consider Us Dead is our choice of cocktail. Halfway through
the song James snaps a bass string, and is handed his replacement
which is in a totally different tuning. We play on.. Ian Mackay
would have signed us on the spot! The set was short and shabby
as hell, but we had a wicked time at this one! Thank you Dundee!
A small
12 year old boy is spotted in the crowd wearing a BC RITCH bandanna,
oh yyyeeehhhaaa, what a fucking hound! Olly wants to steal it
but reckons he'd be heartbroken if he did so leaves the idea
alone. The kid and his big sister who has brought him to the
gig have nothing but compliments for us, thank you so much.
Tonight we are staying with a cool guy called Gav, who puts
on wicked shows round here under the name Revolt. He also has
the most impressive CD collection known to man, and spends half
the night burning us CDs for our journey while we get to work
on demolishing a crate of Tenants (in bottles!! whatever next)
and the spliffs which one of the promoters sorted us with by
way of apology for the shambles earlier - top bloke.
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